How Do I Know When Therapy is Working?
People often ask me, “How do I know if or when counseling is working?”. Counseling usually brings up all sorts of questions. You're coming to the end of your fourth session of therapy, you have told your counselor a lot about yourself, and you are wondering why you are there. You begin to think that the counselor you chose seems like a nice person, but where is it all going? Or maybe you're wondering, "What’s the point? It is too hard". You start talking to your friends, friends who have been in therapy for two years, and you really don’t want to spend that much time and money on therapy.
It's perfectly reasonable to start to wonder, “How will I know when counseling is working?”, “What am I doing in therapy?” and “Am I growing or benefiting from therapy?”. In fact, it seems that there are far more questions than there can possibly be answers especially in the early stage of therapy.
Counseling is a unique process that is very different and personal for each person — thats why it’s special. There might be weeks when you go to counseling, you actually feel better; then there are weeks when you feel like counseling is making things feel worse. At other times, you might come away from a session thinking all that happened was you had a chat. For counseling and the process to work, it takes time.
A few years ago, I was doing a “graduation” session with a young adult who had been through counseling since he was 15 years-old due to various behavior problems. I asked him the question, did counseling work for you? His immediate reaction was no, not really. I then asked, did you notice any changes in how you interact with others? He paused for awhile, then he began to tell me how his attitudes and behaviors toward others had changed after counseling. He hadn’t thought at the time it was due to counseling, but reflecting back, he saw how the process of counseling benefited him. Many people come to counseling thinking that they could get all the answers to their questions, but in fact, the counselor’s job is not to tell you what to do or give you any simple answers but help you work through what is going on in you and what is best for you.
What can I do to find out if counseling is working?
Communicate with your counselor about it. Yes. It is that simple. Communication between client and counselor is very crucial in order for therapy to be successful. Ask your counselor what he/she observes. Ask your counselor questions, “Do you notice any change in my work?”, “Can we revisit and review our therapy goals together?” Tell your counselor what you want from the session, then reflect afterwards if you got what you wanted, or at least can now see how that can be achieved.
Ask your family and friends, “Do you notice any changes about me?”. Ask yourself questions, "What keeps me going back to therapy?" and "How much more do I need to change or recover?". Set goals with your counselor. Sometimes we feel a sense of lost without setting clear and realistic goals.
Rather than ask the question during or after the session, give yourself a few days to reflect. See how you feel, notice changes. Reflect after each session. Try to reflect and see if you are beginning to see things a little bit differently — You start to feel less bothered by the things that used to bother you a lot. You may find that you are less self-critical; you might find you are using less negative language about yourself and others.
Notice any changes. Are you more motivated? Less afraid? More in control? One way we can see that counseling is working is when we start to make plans and start to believe the future is OK.
You notice your have become more self-aware and learn to take more control. You are actually feeling more powerful and also more realistic about what you want. It is possible that you discover what you thought you wanted has changed. Most therapy sessions last for 50 minutes, once a week - it is the work you do between sessions that will change your life, rather than the sessions themselves.
You feel unsettled – I often say to my clients that this is a sign that counseling is working. Sometimes you might feel uncomfortable or upset after a session, which can feel defeating but that means that you are opening up and you are changing. This is something you can discuss with your counselor, bring these feelings to your counselor in the next session. Be patient and be kind to yourself and your progress. Sometimes our surface or present problems might lead us to discover some deep-rooted issues that had existed for many years and may not be solved in three weeks.
How do you know when counseling is working? When you feel listened to and understood. When you feel that you are more able to make changes and to come to terms with what (at present) you can’t change. You will know that counseling is working when you hear a friend or family member talk about something that’s concerning them and you say, “Have you thought of having counseling?”.
Remember, you haven’t gone to see a counselor so he or she can change your life, you have gone to a counselor so that YOU can change your life. It is your choices, your intentions that matter. If you believe in counseling, your counselor and in the process, you have a much better chance of making the changes you want to make.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, sometimes you question therapy because you may not be ready for everything to change, or to face some things about yourself and your life. Counseling is also working if you make the decision to pause or stop for a while. Counselling is working if you decide that this counselor is not the right counselor, and you would like to change and find one that you feel more comfortable with.
After all maybe the right question is — “How can I make changes and how will I know when that has happened or can happen?".
When you believe in counseling, that’s when it’s working.
How does it all sound? Thinking about the next step? Ready to journey together and learn more about yourself? If you feel as though you would benefit from therapy, feel free to contact us either by phone at - or email hello@mementocounselling.com
